Cats man, Fucking cats

Ok so I have this cat, that I've never wanted, told my wife I didn't want, yet she got it anyway. Both my son and myself are semi allergic and I just don't really care for cats, I'm a dog man damnit, cats or boring and pointless, plus they shit in a box, I mean how less masculine can you be right?

So since my soon to be ex wife (going foward STBXW) moved out 6 months ago I've been left to care for said cat (referred to going foward as "lil fucker"). So for the past few months I've been feeding lil fucker, cleaning his shit box, which has got to be one of the single worst tasks I've ever run across, making sure he's let in and out and all that crap. Apparently lil fucker takes this to mean that we are now best buds and that gives him free reign to sleep in my bed, climb in my lap, jump on my mouse when I"m trying to game, and best of all crawl between my legs when I'm trying to go down stairs with my arms full. I've nearly broken my neck a dozen times or more over the past few months. Lil fucker is also a pro at climbing into my daughters bed at night and standing on her head or chest until she wakes up yelling for me to come get the cat.

He also has a really awesome habit of going totally fucking apeshit crazy trying to kill the sponge. Yeah the sponge, the thing I use to wipe down the counter tops, WTF is that all about? How much fun can a piece of damn foam be, well it must have some hidden catnip in it or something because lil fucker gets ahold of it (despite my best attempts to hide the damn thing) and goes absolutely berzerk running fast as he can down the hall and jumping over the couch and diving on the thing.

Last night he decided to up the ante a bit though, I was in the living room jacking around online and watching the basketball game and I hear him making some noise from the back of the house. Seeing as how I can give two shits about him I kinda ignored it but it kept getting louder and more frantic. After a few minutes of this all of a sudden he comes bursting down the hall raising holy hell and I hear all kinds of weird noises, so having had enough already and deciding whatever it is he's fucking with I need to get away from him and stash him in the basement. I come around the corner of the couch to see lil fucker jumping in the air freaking the hell out as he's managed to get his head through one of the handles on one of those mall shopping bags, and has himself stuck but he's running for his life and keeps getting wrapped up in the bag and tearing it to shit.

After I got back up off the floor from laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself I untangled lil fucker and sent him on his way.

So anyone want a cat?