Dookie blues

Ok so I’ve got two rug rats in my possession most of the time. Cros is almost 13 and Rea will be 3 this summer, they are great kids and we have lots of fun but I’m starting to get concerned.

Cros has always been very much the absent minded professor type. He’s always made perfect grades, is in the accelerated program in school, and just took the ACT at age 12 for Christ sake. Here’s the deal though, the kids got almost no common sense half the time. I mean it’s pretty common to see him walking around the house with one sock on, one off and his face covered in whatever he ate last. And yes I’ve caught him trying to put a fork in the toaster before….

It’s all good though he’s unique, smart, witty, brave and I love him to death. I can forgive all of his eccentricities because not only is it entertaining but he’s a great kid all around.

Here’s the thing though….the kids obsessed with Shit, literally there has not been one day he’s been with me in the last few years where the topic doesn’t come up at least once. Now I’m all for the potty humor I’m quite a connoisseur myself and it never ceases to make me laugh, but there’s gotta be some limits.

Here’s one of his favorite tales (and he’s not shy about telling it either to anyone) that he seems to like to tell to new friends or people he’s just getting to know. Great way to break the ice I suppose.

This was a few years back he was probably 10 or so years old and he was at school. He had been having stomach cramps most of the day and wasn’t feeling so hot, recalling earlier how he can be a bit distracted at times he let it go until he hit critical mass before asking to use the restroom. He finally asks the teacher and she gives him a pass to go relieve himself, he runs to the bathroom clenching all the way to avoid the blow out.

Finally reaching the bathroom he runs to the stall only to find the door is locked on the only stall and he can’t get in. Beginning to panic and fearing making mud in his britches he makes his choice. And this is yet another reason why I know he’s mine. He proceeds to drop trow and plop his ass down on the urinal (those of you that have seen Kingpin, yeah exactly like that) and let fly. As he describes this to me I can only imagine the scene from Dumb and Dumber where Harry totally destroys Mary’s toilet after being dosed with laxatives by Lloyd and he’s gripping the seat with both hands and his legs are sticking out straight.

Per Crosbie it was “brown cottage cheese” filling the urinal, and as most do (at least I think I don’t know I haven’t peeped anyone shitting in some time) he’s gotta piss too. Given that he’s got his ass jammed in the urinal with no real option to stand up he again makes the wise chose and just starts pissing. Arcing his shot so as not to soil himself he makes a good sized puddle in the middle of the bathroom floor and finishes filling the urinal with his gift for the janitor.

Done destroying the place he now has yet another problem….he needs to wipe (because he’s a good sanitary kid and all). Finding the paper towel dispenser empty his only recourse is to try and get into said locked stall. So he crawls under the stall, retrieves some TP and gets himself tidied up. Again being the absent minded turd burglar that he is, instead of wiping in the stall and flushing it he brings the TP back out in the bathroom and has no place to dispose of it once done. Figuring the damage is done he just tosses the soiled asswipe into the trash can.

Satisfied that he’s feeling better and taken care of his stomach problem he heads back to class……and never says a word to his teacher or anyone about what happened.

I feel truly sorry for the janitor who had to walk in and see that mess, but the story has given my friends and I plenty of laughs over the years.